My hope cup was empty, so I opened the book. After I found it, that is. It had been a while, and I had to search it out.
Sometimes there is a moment before I turn back the cover when my breath catches and I hesitate. I never know what I'll find there. On days like today, I secretly wonder, What if I don't find anything? What then?
I fan through the pages until they fall open, a torn and folded-up piece of paper lying in the crease. I recognize it immediately and the tears begin. They keep coming, softening the fear and the hurt and the worry that feel etched onto my face by the day.
The tears slow and I look back to the book. Through the water I search the page for something, anything. It has to be there. On this very page. It has to.
First the page on the left. My eyes scan down to find it.
Fulfilling the law.
Submission to authorities.
Do not pass judgment.
No, no, no. I need more. Give me something more.
My eyes move over to the right. Down the first column, then the next. Until...
There it is. Nestled in the bottom right corner. There is the verse for me. The words written hundreds of years ago and then printed on this page, the page where I tucked away the prized handwritten note weeks ago without thinking. The words put there for me, for today, for right now.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
- Romans 15:13 -
I don't know how to conjure up hope. The power of positive thinking has always been a little lost on me. Something about it feels forced and false. Disingenuous and futile. What good is a hope that comes from my head? I need more.
Today, I need more.
Today, I need hope that rests on something stronger than these tired shoulders. I need it to hold on tighter than my fickle heart. I need hope born from the joy and peace of believing in something. Of believing in someone other than me.
On days where the hurts seem bigger than my heart and the lies seem bigger than the truth, I need a hope that will search me out. I need a hope that will find me, wherever I am, and go with me, wherever I'm going.
Because sometimes, most times, the path ahead is is crowded with fallen branches and brush and vines, and I can't make sense of it all. The path looks like a thorny, painful mess and, to be honest, I don't want to walk it.
Because sometimes, most times, the path ahead is is crowded with fallen branches and brush and vines, and I can't make sense of it all. The path looks like a thorny, painful mess and, to be honest, I don't want to walk it.
Today these words are what I have. These words and this folded-up piece of paper sing over me like a song... "When all feels lost, hope finds me."
Has hope found you today? Or yesterday, or any day before that? It would do my heart good to hear how.
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2 comments:
Most days, I too find myself searching for hope - which is ironic because I moved to the other side of the world to help other people find It. But most days, I get too caught up in all that I am *not* to remember Whose I am... A couple of days ago, I was having a particularly trying day and *happened* upon a video someone had put together of DCB's "Oh How He Loves Us" and sermon excerpts from Piper and Matt Chandler. As I listened, I REMEMBERED Whose I am. I remembered that there is no condemnation for those who are on Christ, that there is no court that can bring anything against me that He hasn't already paid for. Oh, how He loves us!!!
this is just beautiful, amanda. thank you for putting words to it.
the fact that hope exists. for me. specifically. even though i can't always pull it down to my level and examine every part of it. that's the best and the hardest thing.
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